Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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