the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
