From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
so much tequila, so little girl.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
