Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
