Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
