when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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