I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
