I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
