he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
