nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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