Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.