hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!