just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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