Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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