Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
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If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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