I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
