he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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