yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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