considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
