Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
