i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Success! We fucked roommates!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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