that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
