I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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