i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
