i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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