So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You are a genius and a whore.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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