I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
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He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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