So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.