dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Strip Simon Says: DO IT