i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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