My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
