somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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