his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
