Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
