Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
