If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
