I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
