I need help removing her.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
