I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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