I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
