HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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