I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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