Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Soap is not a condiment
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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