Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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