Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
