Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
