I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
