We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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