I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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