Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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