I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
