it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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