i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
