I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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