mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
