I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
