Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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