I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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