I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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