Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
